Rebuttal

Let me first apologize for the blog post you are about to read... This is my rebuttal to all the forum posts and blog posts that my soon to be ex-husband has posted out there on the world wide web. Without being too ugly, I want to tell my side of the story.

I also apologize for those of you only reading my blog for scrapbooking purposes. Just skip this post if you want, no free files or sale info here.

It's a long one, and if you know me, you know that I do my best thinking outloud. If I could do this post as a pod-cast, I would... It would save my fingers the typing. I'll type just as I'd say it. Forgive the random interjections and side notes, or even the disjointed thoughts.


So here goes...


Some of you may know that on May 15, 2006, I called my husband of 14 years (he was out of town on business) and asked him for a divorce. Yes, I called him on the phone. Yes, it was a crappy way to do it. I did it that way because I did not want all the raw emotions in the house at the same time my boys were in the house. May not have been the best way, but it's the way I chose to handle it. The topic of divorce is hard enough as it is... There is no easy way to tell the father of your children, who has cared for you for 14 years, that you want a divorce.

One of the first things he said to me was, "I knew this day was coming." So he was not entirely surprised. Hhhmmm.... Orin mentioned in a blog post on MySpace, which has been recently removed, that though I want to remain friends, he never considered us friends so we will be just "acquaintances". I have a few questions...

1. Why I am the "bad" person for wanting out of this marriage if he never considered us friends in the first place?
2. How in the world can you be married to someone for 14 years, have children with this person, and not consider this person- at the very least- a friend?
3. Who's the hypocrite on this topic?

When I confronted Orin about the blog post (actually, jumped down his throat about it is a more apt analogy), he mentioned that I always dismissed his ill feelings about our relationship as just "overthinking" and attributing them to his manic-depression.

1. I did not always do this. Orin was very insecure about himself when we met, and I - having recently come out of a relationship that did not end on a very good note- wanted to be with someone who needed me. It felt good to make him feel special and my desire to help him turned into a relationship. (Yeah, not a good basis for a relationship. I know that now.) Seeing as how he has aired all this in online boards and in a blog post, I guess he is a stronger person now. Mission accomplished, I guess.
2. I got in over my head. At one point, I don't think I can pinpoint when, it drained me to be his emotional cheerleader. All the love and support in the world cannot help a person if they do not want to help themselves. Though he improved immensely, I could not make him completely feel better about himself. His self image was still caught up in the past. So, yes, I gave up. In hind-sight, maybe I should have seeked outside help instead of just giving up.
3. If he felt for so long that our relationship was in trouble, then why did he not confront me? Even if I did keep dismissing his feelings... you mean to tell me that in 14 years he did not have the strength to confront me about it? If he chose to accept my dismissals and not enter into confrontations, then he is as much at fault for the ruin of our marriage as I am. How dare he lay sole blame with me?
   

I never claimed to be the perfect wife or mom, but I always tried very hard to make it look that way. That's what I like to I do... I tweak and touch up and make things look pretty. For some strange reason, I thought that was what I was supposed to do... to make a happy home... or at least make sure everyone else knew I had a happy home. I felt I was the only one unhappy... when everything else was so "perfect"... then it must have been a personal problem on my part. So I just coped. I dealt with my discontent by keeping myself busy... PTA, scrapping, emails, cleaning house, volunteer work, shopping, decorating, etc.

Discontent... that's the first time I used that word when speaking of my divorce. I've been using the term "unhappy" and I think that I have been using it wrongly. You see, I was never totally "unhappy". How could I be? Prior to the ugly online posts, Orin has always been very good to me... he's a great father, he's a great provider, he's always been able to give me what I needed. We've done wonderful things together as a couple and as a family that I could only have dreamed of... world travel, fabulous outings, very comfortable homes, etc. I really do have great memories of some of our time together.

Orin has been more than generous when we drafted the settlement. Basically, I asked for not much at all... I felt- and still do- that I owe him so much, especially since I am the one who wants to leave the marriage. My boys will stay with Orin as I have given him "primary physical" custody. This basically means that, though the state of Georgia encourages us to work together in caring for the boys no matter where they may live, Orin has final say in any decisions. (I do not have a problem with this because I know that Orin will always act with the boys' best interest in mind.) My other reason for this is because I have felt for quite some time that my boys are more "in tune" with their father than with me. At this moment in their lives, I believe they will be happier with their father. Add to that the fact that I haven't had a "real" job in years, and worry about how I'll care for them or where I'll be living, and the boys being with their father just makes more sense. I AM NOT "LEAVING" MY CHILDREN! I am insulted at those of you (you know who you are!) who have alluded to such a thought.

Why all the rucus? I'm in love with someone else. I have realized that the reason for my discontent is because I did not totally give myself to Orin... I could not... as my heart had already belonged to someone else so long ago. In all honesty, I should have known this from the very start. In the beginning of our relationship, Orin and I were pretty good together. I really felt as if we needed each other, and love quickly grew from that need; but looking back, it was not a good way to start our relationship. All relationships, especially marriage, should be based on friendship. True love can only grow from true friendship.

That being said... I am not in love with the idea of a person I knew in the past. I love the friend I know today. I realize we are not the same people we were in high school, and that we have both changed. Give me a break! Do you think I'm an idiot? Do you think I would disrupt my entire life, emotionally scar the man who has cared for me for 14 years, uproot the life of my children, risk losing friends, and hurt my family for a crush or mere physical attraction? If so, then you don't know me at all and I don't need your "friendship".

How are the boys handling it? To be honest, I am a little upset that they are taking it so well. The fact that they are mostly non-challant (is that the right spelling?) about the whole situation makes me think they don't care for me very much. Perhaps it's a coping mechanism, and they are being distance to save their feelings. I hope so. Either way, I honestly believe that they will be okay through this whole process, and that they maybe even enjoy the fact that they will have new experiences as a result of this life change. They have a huge support network and lots of friends and family to turn to if they don't want to talk to their parents. As far as the boys are concerned, Orin and I have either raised smart, stable boys or cynical, unfeeling ones.

By the end of July 2006, the divorce should be final. I will revert to my maiden name and it will probably be a year or so before I re-marry. By mid-July, I'll be back in my parents' home... something I didn't want to do, in all honesty. Once I had ventured out on my own, I've always felt that moving back home was a bit of a failure. Still, it's nice to know that I have a place to call home and that I won't be homeless and alone.

Yes, I'll be going back to work fulltime and will not be able to live the life of luxury of a stay-at-home mom... or as Orin so eloquently stated on one of his boards,
"the wife is looking into a future of working like a dog, because her new beau has a lot more debt than I and has child support for his child, as well as the child support she will have to pay me."
For the record, I never minded going back to work. If he wanted me to work outside the home, then he should have said so.

I guess it all comes down to an inability to communicate. I was wrong in not confiding in Orin for a great many things in our marriage. I have always felt guarded and that I could not tell him everything. I should have realized from the first time I felt that way, that no marriage could last without friendship and communication.

So now I'm actively pursuing a chance at true happiness with a person whom I know I can communicate and work with as a partner. Many people may think I'm wrong to do so, but those who know me, my new love, and our history have welcomed us with "it's about time you two got together" and "you both look so very happy". I've found my happiness, I've found my true love, I've found my soul's mate. I will not live an unfulfilled life of regret!

It's a pity some people will never feel as happy as I.

Thanks for reading.