Rebuttal
Let me first apologize for the blog post you are about to read... This is my rebuttal to all the forum posts and blog posts that my soon to be ex-husband has posted out there on the world wide web. Without being too ugly, I want to tell my side of the story.
I also apologize for those of you only reading my blog for scrapbooking purposes. Just skip this post if you want, no free files or sale info here.
It's a long one, and if you know me, you know that I do my best thinking outloud. If I could do this post as a pod-cast, I would... It would save my fingers the typing. I'll type just as I'd say it. Forgive the random interjections and side notes, or even the disjointed thoughts.
So here goes...
Some of you may know that on May 15, 2006, I called my husband of 14 years (he was out of town on business) and asked him for a divorce. Yes, I called him on the phone. Yes, it was a crappy way to do it. I did it that way because I did not want all the raw emotions in the house at the same time my boys were in the house. May not have been the best way, but it's the way I chose to handle it. The topic of divorce is hard enough as it is... There is no easy way to tell the father of your children, who has cared for you for 14 years, that you want a divorce.
One of the first things he said to me was, "I knew this day was coming." So he was not entirely surprised. Hhhmmm.... Orin mentioned in a blog post on MySpace, which has been recently removed, that though I want to remain friends, he never considered us friends so we will be just "acquaintances". I have a few questions...
- Why I am the "bad" person for wanting out of this marriage if he never considered us friends in the first place?
- How in the world can you be married to someone for 14 years, have children with this person, and not consider this person- at the very least- a friend?
- Who's the hypocrite on this topic?
- I did not always do this. Orin was very insecure about himself when we met, and I - having recently come out of a relationship that did not end on a very good note- wanted to be with someone who needed me. It felt good to make him feel special and my desire to help him turned into a relationship. (Yeah, not a good basis for a relationship. I know that now.) Seeing as how he has aired all this in online boards and in a blog post, I guess he is a stronger person now. Mission accomplished, I guess.
- I got in over my head. At one point, I don't think I can pinpoint when, it drained me to be his emotional cheerleader. All the love and support in the world cannot help a person if they do not want to help themselves. Though he improved immensely, I could not make him completely feel better about himself. His self image was still caught up in the past. So, yes, I gave up. In hind-sight, maybe I should have seeked outside help instead of just giving up.
- If he felt for so long that our relationship was in trouble, then why did he not confront me? Even if I did keep dismissing his feelings... you mean to tell me that in 14 years he did not have the strength to confront me about it? If he chose to accept my dismissals and not enter into confrontations, then he is as much at fault for the ruin of our marriage as I am. How dare he lay sole blame with me?
Discontent... that's the first time I used that word when speaking of my divorce. I've been using the term "unhappy" and I think that I have been using it wrongly. You see, I was never totally "unhappy". How could I be? Prior to the ugly online posts, Orin has always been very good to me... he's a great father, he's a great provider, he's always been able to give me what I needed. We've done wonderful things together as a couple and as a family that I could only have dreamed of... world travel, fabulous outings, very comfortable homes, etc. I really do have great memories of some of our time together.
Orin has been more than generous when we drafted the settlement. Basically, I asked for not much at all... I felt- and still do- that I owe him so much, especially since I am the one who wants to leave the marriage. My boys will stay with Orin as I have given him "primary physical" custody. This basically means that, though the state of Georgia encourages us to work together in caring for the boys no matter where they may live, Orin has final say in any decisions. (I do not have a problem with this because I know that Orin will always act with the boys' best interest in mind.) My other reason for this is because I have felt for quite some time that my boys are more "in tune" with their father than with me. At this moment in their lives, I believe they will be happier with their father. Add to that the fact that I haven't had a "real" job in years, and worry about how I'll care for them or where I'll be living, and the boys being with their father just makes more sense. I AM NOT "LEAVING" MY CHILDREN! I am insulted at those of you (you know who you are!) who have alluded to such a thought.
Why all the rucus? I'm in love with someone else. I have realized that the reason for my discontent is because I did not totally give myself to Orin... I could not... as my heart had already belonged to someone else so long ago. In all honesty, I should have known this from the very start. In the beginning of our relationship, Orin and I were pretty good together. I really felt as if we needed each other, and love quickly grew from that need; but looking back, it was not a good way to start our relationship. All relationships, especially marriage, should be based on friendship. True love can only grow from true friendship.
That being said... I am not in love with the idea of a person I knew in the past. I love the friend I know today. I realize we are not the same people we were in high school, and that we have both changed. Give me a break! Do you think I'm an idiot? Do you think I would disrupt my entire life, emotionally scar the man who has cared for me for 14 years, uproot the life of my children, risk losing friends, and hurt my family for a crush or mere physical attraction? If so, then you don't know me at all and I don't need your "friendship".
How are the boys handling it? To be honest, I am a little upset that they are taking it so well. The fact that they are mostly non-challant (is that the right spelling?) about the whole situation makes me think they don't care for me very much. Perhaps it's a coping mechanism, and they are being distance to save their feelings. I hope so. Either way, I honestly believe that they will be okay through this whole process, and that they maybe even enjoy the fact that they will have new experiences as a result of this life change. They have a huge support network and lots of friends and family to turn to if they don't want to talk to their parents. As far as the boys are concerned, Orin and I have either raised smart, stable boys or cynical, unfeeling ones.
By the end of July 2006, the divorce should be final. I will revert to my maiden name and it will probably be a year or so before I re-marry. By mid-July, I'll be back in my parents' home... something I didn't want to do, in all honesty. Once I had ventured out on my own, I've always felt that moving back home was a bit of a failure. Still, it's nice to know that I have a place to call home and that I won't be homeless and alone.
Yes, I'll be going back to work fulltime and will not be able to live the life of luxury of a stay-at-home mom... or as Orin so eloquently stated on one of his boards,
"the wife is looking into a future of working like a dog, because her new beau has a lot more debt than I and has child support for his child, as well as the child support she will have to pay me."
For the record, I never minded going back to work. If he wanted me to work outside the home, then he should have said so.
I guess it all comes down to an inability to communicate. I was wrong in not confiding in Orin for a great many things in our marriage. I have always felt guarded and that I could not tell him everything. I should have realized from the first time I felt that way, that no marriage could last without friendship and communication.
So now I'm actively pursuing a chance at true happiness with a person whom I know I can communicate and work with as a partner. Many people may think I'm wrong to do so, but those who know me, my new love, and our history have welcomed us with "it's about time you two got together" and "you both look so very happy". I've found my happiness, I've found my true love, I've found my soul's mate. I will not live an unfulfilled life of regret!
It's a pity some people will never feel as happy as I.
Thanks for reading.
posted by Cristina @ 8:55 PM
37 Comments:
The ones of us that are upset with this gastly ordeal, are the ones who know a little more. Where's the part where you're discussing the new marriage infront of the family you're leaving behind? Where's the part where you're constantly on the phone or visiting this "new love" instead of cherishing every moment you have left with your children? Where's the part where Orin has been very patient with the wearing of the dog tags, and inviting him to this new wedding? Where's the part where you want to reverse your surgery to have a new child and start a new family...or how you decided (before even asking them) that the boys should stay with their father since you and your new love will be across the country? Where's the part where you thank Orin for all the things he's given you....mostly becuase you were mean and hateful if he didn't? How about the time where you've threaten to divorce and take his children away some few years ago? Or how you pretended to be happy, thinking that's what he needed? And what about that huge house he bought for you because you had to have it, and decorated your way? Or better yet, how about telling us about your affair that night before you called him for a divorce? People see more than you think. Yeah, maybe we're wrong for not understanding or taking sides...but in all honesty, why should we take your side? The well being for the children has always been Orin's concern (though sometimes we thought it was a little strict)...yours was always the money. If for years you weren't happy...why did you stay around? Orin chose to, because he loved you...but we guess that wasn't good enough. So enjoy your new life! And as you reflect back and look to the future, think about all that you will miss and the boys that will now grow up without a mother. Move across the country, start a new family, and remember to call them on holiday's and birthdays...and like always, Orin will take care of everything else. Hmmm...you should be grateful that Orin isn't trying to milk you for everything you've got, and that he hasn't kicked you out and froze all your assets. Most divorces I've seen have been real ugly, so he deserves to post something ugly about you...you did only broke his heart. And if you've felt this way for awhile...there's counseling! You didn't feel right talking to Orin about things...why didn't you talk to someone????? This is why we can not accept your reasons and your answers...because you leave so much out. There are too many lies, and too many gaps in your "story"...but knowing the real you, is to know that that is how you've always been. Everyone around you is only there when it's convient for you...until then you ridicule them, and belittle them.
Oh, and one last question before you erase this reply...did you even stop to think about anyone but yourself before you decided on this...your boys...your family...the family that your new love had...especially his 2yr old daughter? Oh wait...haven't you always wanted a little girl???
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. At the same time not shocked - you are a caring person that may have been pulled into a relationship that was not meant to be everlasting, but did produce two beautiful children. I hope the next stage in your life brings you happiness. I could not begin to imagine the pain you are going through, but hope at some point soon there is some peace that overcomes Orin. I can't imagine the boys not being anything but strong young men, as you are their mother.
Hi,
I was thinking about you the other day and that I hadn't seen or heard anything from you in a long time. I guess this explains it. I am so sorry to hear that you are having to go through all of this and all the pain it must be bringing into you and your entire (read Orin, boys and both of you birth families) family. From what you wrote, I am reasonably sure that your boys are just using the nonchalance as a way of coping. From watching Jerry's older children and their behavior during his divorce and when we got married, I would say that it is just the boys way of coping with a situation that is out of their control and that they do not like.
I think I feel worst that you are having to do all this is such a public forum as Internet forums and blogs. That must make it very painful. I feel so bad that you are going through such emotional turmoil and I will keep you in my prayers that as your life moves forward that you have found the happiness your life deserves and your search is over. I will pray that your life calms down, that your relationship with your boys will be a good one, and that your job search is a short one.
One thing to remember, for those who are trying to make you out to be the bad guy, it takes two to tango and when marriage gets to this stage (unless there is physical violence) both parties in their own way are contributing to the break-up. The contributions may be in different forms, but both are contributing none-the-less. Don't beat yourself up too much. (I have been around a lot of divorce. My parents divorced in 1963 when it was just about unheard of, Jerry has been divorced twice, I have a cousin who has been divorced twice, and assorted friends. I have had time to sit back and observe quite a bit.)
Take care of yourself, and if there is ever anything you need in the future, just let me know.
Dawn
Thanks for caring enough to post a commment.
Here we go...
Where's the part where you're discussing the new marriage infront of the family you're leaving behind?
In the beginning of this, when Orin told me he wanted to remain friendly, we talked more openly about things. I didn't know then that he was fishing for information. I thought he genuinely cared about what would happen in the future. So, yes, I talked about it.
Where's the part where you're constantly on the phone or visiting this "new love" instead of cherishing every moment you have left with your children?
In hind sight, it was a mistake for me to stay in Orin's house. I stayed to be with the boys. Because of their emotional distance to me and the alienation I've felt while being here, I've spent a lot of time on the phone talking to those who understand and support me. Orin has done the same on his phone and computer.
Where's the part where Orin has been very patient with the wearing of the dog tags, and inviting him to this new wedding?
Again, this was started when I thought Orin wanted to talk and know about things. When he told me it upset him, I stopped wearing the tags in front of him and no longer discussed things of that nature with him. Communication is key.
Where's the part where you want to reverse your surgery to have a new child and start a new family...or how you decided (before even asking them) that the boys should stay with their father since you and your new love will be across the country?
Why would wanting to start a new family be an issue? If I'm willing to do it, then what's the problem? There is nothing ever stated that I am no longer allowed to have other children. Jack and Kyle don't want to move anymore... if you were there to see the heartwrenching good-byes everytime we moved, you'd know why I would think that Jack and Kyle should remain with Orin as long as they want. (Is it a new concept?- to move away? I had no idea I was the very first one to think of it.)
Where's the part where you thank Orin for all the things he's given you....mostly becuase you were mean and hateful if he didn't?
I have thanked Orin in person, though admittedly, not as often as I should have. A lot of people don't say "thank you" enough in many relationships. I'll have to discuss the "mean and hateful if he didn't" with Orin... without working, and knowing how much Orin does for the family, I always tried to be grateful. I won't lie, I have expensive tastes, everyone- including Orin- knows this about me. However, Orin has been one of the few who has been able to temper my spending. I've learned a lot of fiscal responsiblilty from him.
How about the time where you've threaten to divorce and take his children away some few years ago?
I believe this was back in 1996-97. For me, going through that emotion roller coaster at the time was something I had to do. I was feeling as if I had no identity of my own, I was just "Jack's Mom" or "Kyle's Mom" or "Mrs. Blomberg." I again started to contact old friends and family to try and get back in touch with who I am. Their advice at the time was that we were newlyweds with young children and that I was just feeling the stresses of family life, that it would pass and everything would work out. And for awhile, things did work out.
Or how you pretended to be happy, thinking that's what he needed?
I thought that I addressed this in the original post. It was this "pretending" that got me where I am... I shouldn't have, I realize that now, but I felt it was my duty. Isn't it a wife's duty to make her family happy? To what extent? I took it to the level that it made me unhappy, and now I regret that. You may consider that selfish, but the alternative would be to continue pretending and raising the boys in an environment of false love.
And what about that huge house he bought for you because you had to have it, and decorated your way?
Until recently, I really had no idea he disliked this house as much. (again, lack of communication!) The advantage is that there is a big yard for the dogs, and I know Orin loves that about the house. At the time it was the only house on the market with a fenced yard, too. As for the decorating... I honestly tried to decorate it the way both Orin and I would have liked. I thought for sure he liked how I did the bar, I'll have to ask him about it. If he's upset about anything, it's the piano that I wanted and don't use. (If anyone wants a brand new piano, call Orin at the house, he's trying to sell it!)
Or better yet, how about telling us about your affair that night before you called him for a divorce?
There has been no physical affair. Basing a divorce on strong emotions towards another person is different from the usual adultery. Yes, I know how "it looks" and if you don't believe me, then I don't care. I know what I have and have not done.
Yeah, maybe we're wrong for not understanding or taking sides...but in all honesty, why should we take your side? The well being for the children has always been Orin's concern (though sometimes we thought it was a little strict)...yours was always the money.
I've not asked anyone to take my side... I knew from the beginning that I would be the "one to blame" since I initiated the divorce. I just wanted to put out my feelings, as Orin had put out his. He posted all his raw emotions on the web, while I waited to do so. I am saddened that you would think I don't care about my children and that I've been in my marriage just for the money. I guess I should not be as hurt, as evidently, you never knew me well enough.
If for years you weren't happy...why did you stay around? Orin chose to, because he loved you...but we guess that wasn't good enough.
I adressed this in my post. I stayed for the same reasons many others stay in marriages... for the children, for stabitility, for the fact that for awhile it was good. And yes, I was wrong, but so was Orin... if he loved me and knew I was unhappy, then he should have communicated, too. It takes two people to make a marriage work, so it also takes two people for a marriage for fail.
Hmmm...you should be grateful that Orin isn't trying to milk you for everything you've got, and that he hasn't kicked you out and froze all your assets.
Yes, I am grateful. And he knows that I haven't got anything to milk. And because we must at the very least respect each other for the sake of the children, he has been gracious. But I haven't asked for anything either. Re-read my post! I have always known that all I have is because of Orin... he's a great provider. And I knew when I started the divorce that I could not ask for anything of substance. Most of the stuff in my boxes are personal affects.
And if you've felt this way for awhile...there's counseling! You didn't feel right talking to Orin about things...why didn't you talk to someone?????
You're right on this one. Again, however, it works both ways. Orin and I should have communicated better.
This is why we can not accept your reasons and your answers...because you leave so much out. There are too many lies, and too many gaps in your "story"...but knowing the real you, is to know that that is how you've always been. Everyone around you is only there when it's convient for you...until then you ridicule them, and belittle them.
I guess I misled you. I'm not asking anyone to "accept" my reasons or answers, I just wanted my feelings known. I tried to keep all this drama off the web, but thought it was one-sided that Orin post things about it, and not me.
As to the real me, I can only hope that my real friends will also post comments... you don't know the real me.
Oh, and one last question before you erase this reply...did you even stop to think about anyone but yourself before you decided on this...your boys...your family...the family that your new love had...especially his 2yr old daughter? Oh wait...haven't you always wanted a little girl???
I am not deleting your reply and the fact that you think I would proves you don't know me. You've voiced your feelings, that's all I wanted to do, too.
It took me years to get to this decision and this point in my life.. yes, I've thought of my family and how it would affect everyone. Divorce affects everyone, not just the couple. As I wrote in my original post, "Do you think I would disrupt my entire life, emotionally scar the man who has cared for me for 14 years, uproot the life of my children, risk losing friends, and hurt my family for a crush or mere physical attraction? If so, then you don't know me at all..."
As for the 2yr old in question, you don't know anything about that situation, and it's not for me to tell, so I don't think it's fair to bring it up. And yes, it is no secret that I've always wanted a little girl. Are you implying then that I'm breaking up his family so I can get one? That's a twisted and disturbing thought. I can reverse my tubal ligation and have one of my own, if I choose.
In closing, I hope that when you do come to visit the boys, that you will not voice your dislike for me in front of my children. Orin does not, and I believe he will not, and I must ask you to do the same.
Thanks for taking the time to post a reply.
I was not going to post in response to Cris' blog in regards to her divorce, but after seeing such a nasty post, I felt I had to at least share what I know of Cris.
First off, divorce is never a pretty situation and there are always two sides to the story and two contributors to the demise of the marriage. It takes one person, however, to have the guts to admit that both parties deserve more than a life of just "getting by" in the relationship before it gets to the point of non-civility.
I can honestly say I don't know much of Orin, they've never lived close enough to really get to know him, but I do know Cris. She has been one of my best friends since fourth grade and I like to think that I know a lot about her - the good, the bad, and the ugly, so don't think I see her through rose colored glasses.
While I could take the low road and get into mud slinging about who did what wrong, I won't do that. I don't think that it's fair to the boys, to Orin, or to Cris to do so. It is natural for those of us who know them to take sides and for some to be stuck in the middle, but errors were made on both sides in the relationship and fingers could be pointed but to what end? Shouldn't we try to see past our own hurt feelings and want the best for everyone?
The only people who have to truly deal with the situation are Orin, Cris & the boys. Cris is doing what she feels is best for everyone involved. Children are not stupid and know when something isn't right with their family. I'm also sure that Orin, when he looks back, will see that there were signs long before this.
Cris knows she has an open door and ear here anytime she needs it. She and her family are always welcome with lots of love at our home.
Love and true long-lasting friendship are precious things and to find them makes you truly blessed. I hope that all the hurt will eventually heal and happiness will be found by everyone involved - including extended families and friends.
Brightest Blessings
I can't believe I am writing this, but honestly what is the point of any side talking in such anger. Yes, I am not going through this, but can we all agree that these discussions are not productive to either side? All parties have to move on, the decision has been made regardless of who is happy or sad, so - focus on the children to ensure they are loved and will get through this with minimal emotional scars. Honestly, it's a shame that Orin had invested his life with Christine to have his heart broken, but marriage does require that both parties are both contributing to the unity. Regardless of the new love, the tie that bonded Christine and Orin was not stable to begin with - as it so appears. But enough of me trying to figure what and who, because guess what - the divorce is going through and everyone should be focused on making the transition as best as possible. It appears we can't go back unfortunately or maybe fortunately - who are we as "friends and family" to discuss such a unity. Since we are all friends and family to Orin and Christine, we obviously feel grateful for the relationships we have established with them, so let's work with that.
What I am trying to say is - let's support the Blomberg-Guillermo family by being there and not casting stones, regardless of how devastating or true of what occurred to cause the divorce, we need to remain friends/family with all the involved by supporting them all. It's sappy, but really, I support both sides regardless.
I stated before that I am not shocked, as I have known Christine always had a special bond with Ramel, as she does with all her close friends. It is unfortunate that due to this, the family is going through the separation, but at least in time I hope all parties will have the peace necessary to forgive and understand why.
I truely do believe the children should have an outlet (counseling) regardless of how amicable everything is. They may not feel they know what all of the changes mean and are hesitant to discuss with mom and/or dad. I believe that both parents are great and contribute something different to the children's relationship (Which is Good!), so let's make this transition work for the children and ensure that we all are on Orin and Christine's side, so that life can be good again and hopefully each one (Orin and Christine) can find their true soulmates.
Good Luck and I'm here for "all" of you.
SHAME ON YOU! Shame on you and your "friend" Helen. You have both chosen to use a once credible blog to whine about your life and rationalize a decision.
Does your family know that your doing this? What about your children? They must all be ashamed, not of your situation, but your obvious lack of respect for it and those involved.
Did your ex-husband open up his blog to the world to comment on? Will you remove this blog since you mentioned that he removed his?
If you honestly did not care what other people think about your decision or yourself, why did you write this blog in the first place?
Helen, if you were truly her friend, you would stop this tabloid, mud-slinging approach to dealing with an already delicate situation.
If you had even a shred of decency or self-respect, if you trulyy loved your children, then you would stop this non-sense. How much support can your loved ones give you when you have approached your situation as if it were graffiti on a bathroom wall?
I guess it is my turn to reply...
I have had people ask me (ok really only one), "OMG are you the one who sent that response??" No I did not,...but part of me has those same questions. I have been really laid back about this "subject", and tried to stay out of it I guess...but the time has come to voice MY opinions.
All that I know I've had to hear from family...not from "the horses mouth" to speak. Honestly, I don't know what to think. A huge part of me is angry, because you never know how children grow up through divorces...it's either a good turn out because it makes them stronger, or bad because they never understand. A very close person to me was not brought up by his real mother, and now his real mother has her own children and family. Makes that person wonder "why not me?". So, it's hard not to get angry with this. I guess in my little world I have to agree with the counseling question; I think people should try everything possible to work things out before giving up...and maybe you did, we never were real close in that aspect of talking. I do know that growing up with our family...well, always had it's tense moments. And honestly, yeah I agree...there were times where it seemed like you were better then anyone else because of the trips, the gadgets, or the insults and "look what I got"...or maybe I am too sensitive and can't take a joke. I think the biggest thing for me is the timing of all this, and how it just came out of no where. Every time we had a "family reunion", you guys seemed happy. I never thought you weren't, but it's like you posted...you tried to make it look that way. Anyone would assume that divorces are never easy...hell, that's why you have to pay someone to take care of it for you. BUT, it puts everyone in an ackward position, and we all wish it would work out on it's own.
I have to agree with some of those questions Cristine...I'm sorry. And as I talk with the family, you have to understand that we are here because you are blood and it is our duty to make sure that you are infact ok...BUT, we are not ready for this. I myself am not ready to talk about this, to see you with "the soon to be husband", to welcome the idea of how ackward it will be to see my nephews now...just random things. Maybe I'm rambling, I don't know. But it sure feels good to get this off your chest. And I do apologize for avoiding you...but right now my husband needs me with his emotional status, and I can't handle being supportive to both right now. I'm kept in the loop by mom and Jay, and that's good enough for me right now. You do, what you need to do to take care of you...but remember, you weren't always the picture ideal daughter or sister (hell who can honestly say any of us has been) so just make sure as we're here supporting you...that you respect our wishes and space, as we respect your decision. We're not ready for Rammel...and we all know from our family history that he is indeed a very good man (always has been). This isn't easy to take, especially since it caught us by surprise.
Oh, and I do agree with passer by...this blog needs to be erased, and no more opions aired. If you don't care what others think...then don't do this. Orins was removed, as so should this. To air your "dirty laundry" on the web...well, is a bit shameful and somewhat disgraceful. Dammit, I should'ver responded.
Orin removed his blog post because when I confronted him, it was the easiest thing to do. By the end of that conversation, I told him to re-post it, as he believes he stated the truth.
The forum posts on one of his other frequented boards are just as emotional and the replies to them just as varied. One reply to the thread he started was even, "Kill her." Oddly, I appreciate the simple but effective expression.
Diane, I know you're going through a lot with the Cook side of your family. And I do empathize with you. May I ask that when you remove me from your Christmas card list, you remember to keep the boys on it. And don't support me because I'm blood. I don't need that. If you cannot bring yourself to accept who I am and respect my decisions, then just say so. Don't play the family card. Yes, I'm taking a risk at losing friends and family. But I will not - under any circumstances - not be true to my feelings. If I am wrong- and I do NOT believe I am wrong about my own feelings - then you can be the first one in line with "I told you so."
To be honest, when Orin removes all comments from the web in their entirety, then I'll delete this one. What's good for the goose, is good for the gander. Why should his circle of friends be the only ones to voice their opinions?
Thank you all for your comments and posts.
This guy walks into a bar and says, "OUCH! Who put that bar there?"
"Sitting doing nothing, Spring arrives and the flowers bloom."
~Zenri~
"When one has faith, then he thinks. One who lacks faith does not think."
~The Upanishads~
"We are the makers of our own lives. There is no such thing as fate. Our lives are the result of our previous actions, our karma, and it naturally follows that, having been ourselves, the makers of our karma, we must also be able to unmake it.
~Vivekanada~
"The weak can never forgive, Forgiveness is the attibute of the strong."
~Mahatma Gandi~
"If your mind isn't clouded by unneccessary things, this is the best season of your life."
~Wumen~
"Wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving."
~Kahlil Gibran~
"Even the smallest of steps can make the biggest of differences."
~My personal quote I wake up to now~
"Mind is the source of happiness or unhappiness."
~Buddha~ (No i did not become buddist.)
"My opinion is that you never find happiness until you stop looking for it."
~Chuang Tzu~
"This body, full of faults, has yet one great quality; Whatever it encounters in this temporal life depends on one's actions."
~Nagarjuna~
"When you have faults, do not fear to abandon them."
~Confucius~
"When you drink water, remember the mountain spring."
~Chinese proverb~
"Everything is as it should be."
~Marsha Linehan, on radical acceptance~
"Either you are better, or you are bitter. Which one are you choosing?"
~Dr. Phil (not a Dr. Phil convert either)~
"When all discrimination is abandoned when contact with things is broken, the mind is brighter than sun and moon together, cleaner than frost and snow."
~Zen Prayer~
"In walking, just walk. In sitting, just sit. Above all, don't wobble"
~Yun-men~
"The whole moon and the entire sky are reflected in one dewdrop on the grass."
~Dogen~
"Sincerity is the way of Heaven."
~Mencius~
Christina,
I put these here because I care about all of you. Even the ones who are angry at you at this time in your life, and for those of you who are not angry at her. When you feel down, sad, or in dispair take them with you. I have tons more if you want them.
L (You know exactly who I am Christina.) :)
"Sitting doing nothing, Spring arrives and the flowers bloom."
~Zenri~
"When one has faith, then he thinks. One who lacks faith does not think."
~The Upanishads~
"We are the makers of our own lives. There is no such thing as fate. Our lives are the result of our previous actions, our karma, and it naturally follows that, having been ourselves, the makers of our karma, we must also be able to unmake it.
~Vivekanada~
"The weak can never forgive, Forgiveness is the attibute of the strong."
~Mahatma Gandi~
"If your mind isn't clouded by unneccessary things, this is the best season of your life."
~Wumen~
"Wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving."
~Kahlil Gibran~
"Even the smallest of steps can make the biggest of differences."
~My personal quote I wake up to now~
"Mind is the source of happiness or unhappiness."
~Buddha~ (No i did not become buddist.)
"My opinion is that you never find happiness until you stop looking for it."
~Chuang Tzu~
"This body, full of faults, has yet one great quality; Whatever it encounters in this temporal life depends on one's actions."
~Nagarjuna~
"When you have faults, do not fear to abandon them."
~Confucius~
"When you drink water, remember the mountain spring."
~Chinese proverb~
"Everything is as it should be."
~Marsha Linehan, on radical acceptance~
"Either you are better, or you are bitter. Which one are you choosing?"
~Dr. Phil (not a Dr. Phil convert either)~
"When all discrimination is abandoned when contact with things is broken, the mind is brighter than sun and moon together, cleaner than frost and snow."
~Zen Prayer~
"In walking, just walk. In sitting, just sit. Above all, don't wobble"
~Yun-men~
"The whole moon and the entire sky are reflected in one dewdrop on the grass."
~Dogen~
"Sincerity is the way of Heaven."
~Mencius~
Christina,
I put these here because I care about all of you. Even the ones who are angry at you at this time in your life, and for those of you who are not angry at her. When you feel down, sad, or in dispair take them with you. I have tons more if you want them.
L (You know exactly who I am Christina.) :)
Diagnostic criteria for 301.81 Narcissistic Personality Disorder
A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
(1) has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
(2) is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
(3) believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
(4) requires excessive admiration
(5) has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
(6) is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
(7) lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
(8) is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
(9) shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes
And for an additional $10.95, you too can be misdiagnosed.
NEXT!!
Only $10.95?! That's a bargain really. HA!
Yes, let's have the next one shall we?
And who says reading blogs is uneducational? Thanks for posting, Dr. Anonymous.
I wish that the blogger software would at least distinguish "anonymous" as to the different postings. I don't think Dr. Anonymous, is the same anonymous who posted about the $10.95. It gets confusing, doesn't it?
Oh my goodness, I just re-read that post from "Dr." Anonymous... "as indicated by five (or more)"...
I've always been an over-achiever... I bet I've got all 9 easily!
What's the opposite of Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Would really like the source or a link to learn more. Anyone who has this info, please post!
Thanks!
FYI for those internet "DOC's" out there.........
http://www.angelfire.com/ego/narcissism/
"Narcissistic disturbance can be found in everyone. An individual’s existence would be in jeopardy if some narcissistic traits were not present. These traits protect the ego from severe damage inflicted by others thus keeping our self-esteem in tact. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) occurs when narcissistic traits become exaggerated in an individual’s personality."
Here's a longer, more in-depth list:
http://www.angelfire.com/ego/narcissism/easy.html
Again, being the overachiever I am (and I totally DISAGREE with #21 on that list), I've got at least 22 out of 31.
Anyone else care to count yours?
http://www.angelfire.com/ego/narcissism
Great site. Read the whole thing and you'll see that NPD is not something to be proud of.
{{{{Cristina, et al}}}}
I really feel for all of you going through this, especially in a public forum. I've got to say that I'm very impressed with you and Orin for thinking of the kids first and not mudslinging to them. It's something that is so important, yet usually gets lost in the emotional myre. If only all the friends and family would follow your lead, the boys would feel much more security and would feel that they had a strong support system in place.
You'll all get through this part of your lives and eventually things won't be so raw, I promise!
It's nice to see the gratitude for the blessings and memories that you did share together as I'm sure there were many great moments within a 14-year marriage, even if it wasn't fulfilling. I'm sure at one point (even if it was the first few days, weeks, months) you were friends, but friendship is difficult in this situation and maybe the best that you can both hope for is a mutual respect for the best you've seen in each other throughout the years, especially as parents to two special boys.
I really do wish every one of you the best that life has to offer and the most happiness every one of you can find in this life.
Hang in there! It's a crappy ride, but it will end!
P.S. It's sad that anyone feels like you need to include every little detail about your life and divorce here. Those are private things between you and Orin and not owed to the public. You share what you need to share, but to demand that you share more is wrong. The people who read this should not be here to judge, therefor the "dirt" shouldn't make a difference. Hopefully the people who read this are here to support...that means everyone who is going through this emotional ordeal...you, Orin, the boys...anything beyond that is just judgement that no one else has a right to place (unless they're God, but I doubt He'd be replying to a blog post, lol).
amen!!!
WOW!! I guess I'm older than even I think I am!! Don't think I've ever experience a "public" divorce like this -- pure emotions and all. Cristina, I only know you thru emails and chats, but I believe that you have thought this thru and examined every (and everyone's) side of it before making a decision and following thru with your choices. That in itself takes courage -- especially if you've spent years "hiding" your true thoughts (maybe even to yourself). So...I commend your taking action to bring "truth" to the whole family. If something is not right in the family, believe me, the other family members know even if you think they don't. Nobody wants to break up a family, or have a family broken up -- but sometimes that is the only thing that can make the family whole. If the others posting here think that the marriage could continue on infinitely and that all would live "happily ever after", then the others are the ones living in a fantasy world. Some choices are not happy ones, or popular ones, or ones that make others feel good -- that doesn't mean that they shouldn't be made. Life sucks (at least some of the time!) -- all you can do is be true to yourself and try to accept the changes that occur. The boys, of course, are the first priority in this situation. Cristina and Orin have issues that I don't think they have finished clearing out (which leads to the blogs, et al.) The boys, no matter what their ages, or how they "seem" to be or act at this time, are confused and hurt. Please, please, please -- get them someone to talk with professionally. This is the only thing that is fair for them. I appreciate that neither parent is trying to pull the boys toward one side or another, but the fact remains that they are caught in the middle. They need someone totally unrelated to them to discuss all this with.
Also, the "anonymous" ones who have posted -- shame on you. You are willing enough to join in all this, whether to blame or support or whatever, but you are not willing to do this to her face by identifying yourselves. That makes you much weaker than Cristina is at this point!!
I don't personally know either party. Well, I used to know Cristina through SA yahoo group a long time ago. Anyway, I really don't think you owe anyone an explanation. Simply put, it's no one's business but you and your husband's what is going on between the two of you. You certainly don't owe friends and family one no matter what they might think. Things like this happen. If they didn't, there would be no Jerry Springer. I've been where you are. Only differences were we weren't married nearly as long and we had no children together. I left him for another man whom I had known for many years. Yes, I broke up his family and mine. I honestly don't regret it to this day either. I was miserable in my marriage and it just happened. And you know what? I didn't owe one single person an explanation except my husband at the time and neither do you. So chin up girlfriend. One day you'll look back on this and know you made the right decision. And you anonymous cowards out there, either own it or don't say it.
Holly
And what about identity theft??????
Hi,
I’m Alan Miller, a photographer and television producer for Alanworks Studio Productions, (http://www.alanworks.net)
The studio has just launched www.gypsycircus.tv and it may be an interest to you.
We are creating a time capsule for artisans like yourself to link one of your images from Gypsy Circus to your blog. Our goal is One Million artists and the cost is $ 1.00 per pixel.
It’s fun, inexpensive and will be on the net for five years.
So, if you’d like to run away to the circus, then click over to www.gypsycircus.tv/ .
Thank You
Alan Miller
Executive Producer
I don't care what others say here.....you're a hottie!
Chris,
How are you doing? Please send an e-mail.
L
(still a supporter of you)
Christina,
I am worried about you. Not heard from you in a while. How are things going? I e-mailed you and I assume you are busy. But I am just wondering if you are okay.
Please E-mail me.
L
(still supporting, and caring about you.)
Christina,
I am worried about you. Not heard from you in a while. How are things going? I e-mailed you and I assume you are busy. But I am just wondering if you are okay.
Please E-mail me.
L
Wow Cristina I was wondering where you have been. I missed you in the chats and haven't went to me at DSP. I'm so sorry you have went through what you did and I feel like you don't owe an apology to anyone but yourself for staying in the marriage that long. I admire you though for opening up to complete strangers. Are you still in Georgia? Well email me sometimes. Teresa (from Georgia)
teresajb@bellsouth.net
Thanks Teresa for your support... I need to find time to post an update. Sorry I've so behind!
L- can't find your email addy... email me... cristina.guillermo@yhaoo.com
Okay, I just sent an e-mail to that addy and I keep getting it returned to me. Not sure what is wrong. But I am still thinking about you. I also have been sending to cristina.guillermo@yhaoo.com.
not sure if you still have that one either.
Take care!
L
C -
if all else fails, e-mail me at
lisaseei2i@yahoo.com
L
Just wanted to offer you some ((((hugs))))
Hi Cristina,
I appreciate your candor, your openness and honesty. I don't believe anyone can or should pass judgement, nor do I believe anyone should remain in a marriage "for the children" if love for their partner is absent. A loveless marriage will do more harm to children than one that remains intact for other reasons and is, in essence, a lie. You certainly do seem to know yourself, and I admire that.
I don't understand why people have to be so "ugly" and you certainly do not have to publicly announce any or every mistake or character trait that belongs to you.
I do advise that you communicate with your children how you feel about them, explaining that a change in your relationship with their father is the reason why you are leaving (so they know they are not the cause). Ask them how they feel. Ask them who they want to live with. Tell them you are there for them when they need you (and mean it), and give them several ways to contact you. Stay in constant contact with them.
I wish you the best. All of you WILL get through this. Regardless of the seemingly "nonchalant" attitude of your children, they ARE experiencing a great deal of pain...maybe a sense of abandonment, rejection, fear of the major changes about to present themselves in their lives. Counseling for everyone at THIS point, especially for the children, would be great. Counseling to "fix" something that cannot be fixed or to bring back feelings of love that once existed...or worse yet, never existed, is futile.
Cindy,
Thanks so much for your input. It is true that time heals wounds (notice I didn't say "all" wounds), and I believe that what does not destroy us makes us stronger.
I can only speak of myself when I say that I have grown so much from this experience. I have found in myself an inner strength that I did not know I have. At the beginning of November, I will be in an apartment (and have asked my boyfriend to move in with me), and just last weekend, I purchased my very own FIRST CAR! I love my new job and "new life". Financially, I'm on my way and very pleased with all that I have been able to accomplish on my own.
Emotionally, I’m so much stronger and practical that I thought I ever could be. I won’t pretend I got to this point on my own… on the contrary, my family (most of them anyway) have been supportive and loving; my true friends have offer all kinds of help and support; and my sons have even been an inspiration with their upbeat outlooks. I am a much more mature person since leaving that 14 year marriage. Perhaps my ex-husband took such good care of me that I grew dependant on him and never knew my own strength.
As an update, the boys are faring rather well. They are doing well in school, great news as we were all worried that the divorce would negatively affect their schoolwork. Their father has begun to get them active in physical extra-curricular activities so they will not be sitting at home in front of the computer or television all week. And I think they actually enjoy doing different activities with me on the weekends when we visit together.
Even the ex-husband has healed and moved on… he’ll be getting married on October 14, 2006. I know the future Mrs. and have no doubt that they will be more compatible that he and I were. (And for those of you who worry, she’ll be just fine with the boys. Their father would never allow anyone in their lives that would not love and care for them.) No, I was not invited to the wedding, and I never expected to be. That would just be weird.
I must add my sour note, however, and say that I think the ex-husband owes me a thank- you card. If it were not for MY courage to end our 14-year marriage, he would not be re-marrying and would not have found his perfect mate. But I know I won’t get a thank you. LOL.
Thanks to everyone – both online and offline – that have been supportive or shared your experiences. Sometimes it is just very nice to know that others who have been through something similar have “lived to tell about it”. To those who haven’t been as supportive to me, thanks to you, too. It shows you cared enough to comment. In today’s busy world, it is nice to know that people care enough to take the time to comment, regardless of their stance on the subject.
Now I just need to find the time to get back to digital scrapping… I miss that creative outlet! Thanks again everyone!
~Cristina
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